What is Co-Dependency?

CoDependence is an emotional, psychological and behavioural pattern of coping that is born out of the rules of a family and/or environment. It is a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving, which is nurtured by a set of rules within the family system and/or environment. The rules prevent the open expression of feelings and the direct discussion of personal and inter personal problems.

How do I identify if I am Co-Dependent?

Here is a list of common Co-Dependant Characteristics:

LOW SELF-WORTH
ANGER
DENIAL
REPRESSION
OBSESSION
CONTROLLING
MISCELLANEOUS
PROGRESSIVE

LOW SELF-WORTH

Codependents tend to;

• come from troubled, repressed or dysfunctional families
  
• deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional
  
• blame themselves for everything
  
• pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act and behave
  
• get angry, defensive, self-righteous and indignant when others blame and criticise the codependents - something the codependents regularly do to themselves
  
• reject compliments or praise
  
• get depressed from lack of compliments or praise (stroke deprivation)
  
• feel different from the rest of the world
  
• think they are not quite good enough
  
• feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary things or fun things for themselves
  
• fear rejection
  
• take things personally
  
• have been victims of sexual, physical or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment or alcoholism
  
• feel like victims
  
• tell themselves that they can't do anything right
  
• be afraid of making mistakes
  
• wonder why they have a tough time making decisions
  
• expect themselves to do everything perfectly
  
• wonder why they can't get anything done to their satisfaction
  
• have a lot of 'shoulds'
  
• feel a lot of guilt
  
• feel ashamed of who they are
  
• think their lives aren't worth living
  
• try to help other people live their lives instead
  
• get artificial feelings of self worth from helping others
  
• get strong feelings of low self worth - embarrassment, failure etc - from other people's failures and problems
  
• wish good things would happen to them
  
• believe good things will never happen
  
• believe they don't deserve good things and happiness
  
• wish other people would like and love them
  
• believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them
  
• try to prove they are good enough for other people
  
• settle for being needed

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ANGER

Many codependents;

• feel very scared, hurt and angry
  
• live with people who are very scared, hurt and angry
  
• are afraid of their own anger
  
• are frightened of other people's anger
  
• think people will go away if anger enters the picture
  
• think other people make them feel angry
  
• are afraid to make other people feel anger
  
• feel controlled by other people's anger
  
• repress their angry feelings
  
• cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile or have violent temper outbursts
  
• punish other people for making the codependents angry
  
• have been shamed for feeling angry
  
• feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment and bitterness
  
• feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings
  
• wonder if they'll ever not be angry

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DENIAL

Codependents tend to;

• ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening
  
• pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are
  
• tell themselves things will be better tomorrow
  
• stay busy so that they don't have to think about things
  
• get confused
  
• get depressed or sick
  
• go to doctors and get tranquilizers
  
• become workaholics
  
• spend money compulsively
  
• overeat
  
• pretend those things aren't happening either
  
• watch problems get worse and worse
  
• believe lies
  
• lie to themselves
  
• wonder why they feel like they're going crazy

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REPRESSION

Many codependents;

• push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt
  
• become afraid to let themselves be who they are
  
• appear rigid and controlled

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OBSESSION

Codependents tend to;

• feel terribly anxious about problems and people
  
• think and talk a lot about other people
  
• lose sleep over problems or other people's behaviour
  
• worry
  
• never find answers
  
• check on people
  
• try to catch other people in acts of misbehaviour
  
• feel unable to quit talking, thinking and worrying about other people or problems
  
• abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something
  
• focus all their energy on other people and problems
  
• wonder why they never have any energy
  
• wonder why they can't get things done

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CONTROLLING

Many codependents;

• have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment
  
• become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally
  
• don't see or deal with their loss of control
  
• think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave
  
• try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation or domination
  
• eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger
  
• get frustrated and angry
  
• feel controlled by events and people

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MISCELLANEOUS

Codependents tend to;

• be extremely responsible
  
• be extremely irresponsible
  
• become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice
  
• find it difficult to feel close to people
  
• find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous
  
• have an overall passive response to codependency - crying, hurt, helplessness
  
• have an overall aggressive response to codependency - violence, anger, dominance
  
• combine passive and aggressive responses
  
• vacillate in decisions and emotions
  
• laugh when they feel like crying
  
• stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts
  
• be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems
  
• be confused about the nature of the problem
  
• cover up, lie, and protect the problem
  
• not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough or they aren't important enough
  
• wonder why the problem doesn't go away

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PROGRESSIVE

In the latter stages of codependency, codependents may;

• feel lethargic
  
• feel depressed
  
• become withdrawn and isolated
  
• experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure
  
• abuse and neglect their children and other responsibilities
  
• feel hopeless
  
• begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in
  
• think about suicide
  
• become violent
  
• become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill
  
• experience an eating disorder (over or undereating)
  
• become addicted to alcohol and other drugs

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